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HUNSPOTTING
(OR HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN THE COMPANY OF A HUN)
1.
Just in case you're an incredibly dense non-football fan who's lost in cyberspace and really shouldn't be here, the easiest
way to spot a hun is that he'll be the one wearing a blue jersey/filthy rag.
2. A Hun will always be the one saying
- I don't know what you're on about, Bobby Tait is a top quality referee.
3. Their trouser legs will be soaked in
Fenian blood.
4. They're not the most intelligent species on earth but occasionally, you will come across a few Huns
with an IQ higher than a genetic cross-breed between Homer Simpson and a large rock. How so do we tell the 'clever' Huns from
the rest of the human race? Simple, ask about domestic politics and they'll talk for hours on parliaments and ministers. However,
get onto the topic of the EU or european policies and a Hun will always be the one looking confused or upset.
5. The
pack of rats which follow at their heels.
6. A willingness to beat up anyone with the slightest hint of an Oirish
accent.
7. They'll be the ones huddled in dark corners, giggling at a photograph of Henrik Larsson being stretchered
off during the Lyon game.
8. The 'I Luv Ian Paisley' badges attached to their lapels (Ok, I exaggarated a bit on that
one. A true Hun would never wear a jacket with lapels)
9. The copy of 'The Daily Record' sticking out of their arse
pockets.
10. If you're unsure as to whether or not you're in the company of a Hun, the easiest thing to do is hold
up a picture of the Queen. A true Hun will automatically tug his forelock.
11. The obviously pathetic, ludicrous,
wretched, pitiful 'We're better than youse' demeanor.
12. The excessive body hair, the dreadful haircuts (you know,
the ones that look like your hair was attacked by a drunk, hatchet-wielding psychopath) and the outdated sense of style.
A Celtic fan, Rangers fan and a Falkirk fan are lost in the woods together
and spot a farm .
The three of them approach the farm and knock on the door.
A man answers.
"Do you have a room for the night? ", asks
the Falkirk fan.
"Yes, I do but one of you will have to sleep with the pigs".
"Fine I will sleep with pigs", replies
the Celtic fan. At 2:00 o'clock in
the morning the Celtic fan appears at the door, "It is too smelly down
there", says
the Celtic fan.
"Fine then I will sleep with the pigs ", says the Falkirk fan. At 3:00
o'clock in the morning the Falkirk
fan says " It's too smelly down there".
"Fine then I will go sleep with the pigs" says the Rangers fan . At 4:00
o'clock
in the morning the pig appears at the door and says:
"It's too smelly down there!!"
A
man goes to Glasgow airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge
to wait for the call for his flight home. The
place is a mess. All around
him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs, broken flight
monitors and
crowd control barriers littering the floor. "Christ, what
happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh," he replies.
"Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Rangers squad in here
this morning filming the new Nike ad!"
A
Tim, an hun, a hot blonde and a fat woman get on the tube. They go into a
tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they
all hear a loud slap. When
the lights come on, the Hun has a big red handprint on his face.
The blonde thinks: "Oh,
the Hun must have made a move for me, but fondled
that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."
The fat woman thinks:
"Hmm, that Hun tried to put the moves on that blonde
and got slapped. Good for her."
The Hun thinks: "Hey, that Tim
must have gone for the blonde and she slapped
me by mistake!"
The Tim thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel,
so I can smack
that Hun fucker again".
McLeish and Ferguson in the pub and there is a
cat sitting on the table. One
man comes in, picks the cat up and looks under it.. Another man comes in and
does the
same. McLeish annoyed says the next man to do that I'm going to ask
them why. So the next man comes in picks the cat up
and looks under it.
McLiesh says "Why did you just do that?". The man replies "A man outside
told me that there's a
cat in here with two arseholes!"
Amorouso: Hey boss! do you remember that jigsaw puzzle
I was doing? Well
I've finished it and it only took 6 months!
Alex McLeish: 6 months??? What's so good about that?
Amorouso:
Well, it says on the box "3 to 6 years"
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled
their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Rangers Players on them and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit
on.
Q: What do Rangers Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance
of becoming a human being.
Q: What do Rangers Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week
it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least
a sperm has one chance in ten million of becoming a human being.
Q: How many Rangers fans
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket...
Q:
What do you get when you cross a Hun with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Hun and an old drunk are
walking down the street together
when simultaneously they each spot a fifty
pound note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.
Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A:
They're both absolutely useless in Europe.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers
fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What is the difference
between a Rangers Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Once
upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him.
He
inquired of God, "Where were you?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
"Look son, look what I'm after making."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
God replied,
"It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it.
I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything
on it.
For example, there's North America and South America.
North America is going to be rich and South America is
going to be poor,
and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.
Now look over here. I've put a
continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."
And then the archangel said, "And what's that
green dot there?"
And God said "Ahhh, that's Parkhead.
Also known as Paradise - That is a very special place.
That's
going to be the most glorious spot on earth, beautiful stands,
a perfect pitch, an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere,
and an exquisite team to grace it.
These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found travelling
the world.
They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters.
And I'm going to give them great teams of
total football, which they're going to worship
and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to watch.
I will give them the blessed, I will give them Jock Stein, and Jinky Johnstone,
Tommy Burns and Paul Mc Stay, and
Wim Jansen, and Henrick Larsson and James Mc Grory
and men like these will lift this club to unknown glories, and they
shall be touched by my hand."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed:
"Hold on a second, BALANCE, what about BALANCE? You said there was going to be a BALANCE..."
God replied wisely: "Wait
until you see the fuckers I'm putting next door to them."
Three guys found themselves in Hell:
Ally McCoist, Andy Goram, and Paul Gascoigne.
They were a little confused at their present situation,
and they were
startled to see a door in the wall open,
and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She
was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Ally McCoist,
you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Coisty was whisked through
the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second door opened,
and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong.
She was over 7' tall,
monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Andy Goram, you have
sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Andy Goram, like Ally McCoist, was
whisked off.
Gazza, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened.
And as
the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Gazza jumped up, taking in the sight
of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"CINDY YOU
HAVE SINNED ........"
Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do.
Unfortunately, they found the
nude body of a young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Clyde hat over one breast.
The second guy,
a Celtic fan, placed his hat over the other breast.
The Rangers fan placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon the police arrived.
The coroner started checking over the body.
He picked up the Clyde hat and quickly placed
it back.
He then picked up the Celtic hat and returned it.
Then he picked up the Rangers hat, put it down,
then
picked it up again again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down.
Then he picked it up a third time.
By
this time, the Rangers fan was a bit irritated and he asked,
"Why do you keep picking up my hat? Are you some kind of
pervert or something?"
The coroner responded with a wry smile,
"Son, I can't figure this one out.
The only time
I've come across these Rangers hats before, there was a huge arsehole under it."
It's a dark
wet night in downtown Glasgow, Paul Gasccoigne and Judas Johnson are
driving around visting a few old haunts. They pull
up at a set of traffic lights
and a group of Tims recognise Gazza...
A Tim shouts out, "OI YOU, YOU FAT BASTARD GASCOIGNE!!,
What are you doing in Glasgow? We don't want your sort here."
They then spot Mo Johnstone....
Another Tim shouts
out, "AND YOU JUDAS !!,
You left us for the Huns, you deserter."
Stung by the criticism Gascoigne reacts in the only
way he can,
and pulls down his trousers and as the car speeds off, he raise his arse up to the window.
The Tims then
shouts out "AND YOU McCALL, Your nothing but an ugly fucker."
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